As the loyal reader probably knows, my wife and I have two dogs. To help catch up any new people let me explain. No, there is too much. I will summarize: I have two dogs.
Anyway, since one of the dogs has slowly been driving us crazy, we enlisted the services of a crack team of specialists to help us figure out how to control our dog. The pet psychic really wasn't much help. He seemed to think our dog was some Confederate General trying to communicate to us from the grave. But he wouldn't tell us the general's name or what he wanted - we were supposed to figure it out from listening to the dog. The pet psychologist thought the dog was acting out because of abandonment issues. We did get her at the pound (the dog, not the psychologist) which led some credence to the diagnosis, but we couldn't really figure out how to work the dog through her abandonment issues so we moved on. The dog whisperer really tried. He tried hard. But I'm pretty sure he was blind because he kept whispering into the ear of a stuffed bear that sits on our couch for decoration and, well, things didn't progress like we were hoping. The exorcist was just a bad call on my part. We're not even going to go there. We also tried asking a ninja, because ninjas can do anything. The only problem is, ninjas are hard to find, if they're any good. So we gave up on that one. The plumber stopped by that day and so we asked him too. He was less than enthused. Our last hope was the dog trainer.
He came highly recommended: trained by Israeli special forces, able to type 83 words per minute, fluent in five languages, marathon runner, chocolate-dipped cricket eater, and brother to three - he was definitely exactly what we were looking for. Basically he took one look at the dog and said, "She needs more exercise. Run her lots every day." Then he left.
Amazingly he was right. So now we have to very calm dogs. And my wife and I are in very good shape. Everyone wins. Except that Confederate General guy, I'm still not quite sure what he's trying to say.